Why Therapists Say “Let’s Sit With That”

What Does That Even Mean and Why Does My Therapist Keep Saying That?

That knot in your stomach before a big presentation.

The sudden wave of sadness after a difficult conversation.

Or the tightness in your chest when you’re bracing for important news.

We all know those moments when intense emotions hit …. Hard.

Your therapist might suggest, “Let’s just sit with that emotion for a moment.”

You wouldn’t be alone if you paused in that moment, wondering: “What exactly does that mean?”

Let’s break it down.

“Let’s Sit With That” – What It’s Not & What It Is

So what does “sitting with emotions” really mean?

It’s not:

• Passively dwelling
• Getting stuck in negativity
• Or wallowing in discomfort

Quite the opposite. Instead, it’s an active process: tuning in, acknowledging, and exploring what you feel right now, without rushing to fix it, push it away, or judge it.

Think of it like observing the weather.

You notice the clouds gathering, wind shifting, and feel the first drops of rain. You don’t stop the storm, you allow it to unfold, learning from its patterns.

Emotions work the same way. By giving them space and curiosity, you start to understand their message, allowing the emotion to be present and see what it might be pointing to or asking of you.

Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT)

Sitting with emotions sits at the heart of process-based modalities like Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT).

In EFT, emotions aren’t treated as fleeting sensations to push aside. They’re seen as guides to our inner world highlighting our needs, values, and deeper experiences.

When we sit with and center our emotions, we create space to notice:

• What it’s telling us
• What it reveals about our unmet needs
• How it can guide us toward growth or healing

Rather than battling emotions or trying to control them, EFT helps us understand their purpose. Understanding and processing emotions in this way is at the core of emotional well-being.

Emotions vs. Feelings: What’s The Difference?

To truly engage in this process, it helps to understand a fundamental distinction: the difference between emotions and feelings.

Emotions

…are our body’s natural, automatic, and often quick responses to important events:

• They are rooted in biology and bring physical changes like:
  • your heart races with anxiety
  • muscles tense with anger, or 
  • warmth spreads through your chest with joy
• They are core, primal responses

Feelings

…are how we subjectively and consciously experience and interpret those bodily sensations

• They combine the emotion with our thoughts about the situation (thought + emotion = feeling)
• For example, an unexpected loud noise might trigger the emotion of fear, but your feeling could show up as apprehension, nervousness, or even excitement depending on the context (walking in a dark alley vs. surprise birthday party)

While we often use ‘emotions’ and ‘feelings’ interchangeably, noticing the difference helps us move beyond surface-level feelings to access deeper, more meaningful emotional responses.

Primary vs. Secondary Emotions

One of the most powerful insights from Emotion-Focused Therapy, highlighted by EFT pioneer Dr. Leslie Greenberg, is the distinction between primary and secondary emotions.

Primary Emotions

• These are our first, direct responses to a situation–the “first wave” of emotional experience.
• They are often raw and vulnerable.
• Examples:
  • Genuine sadness in response to a job loss
  • Fear when facing a real threat like a swerving car
  • Joy when deeply connecting with a new friend
• Why They Matter: Primary emotions are inherently adaptive, which means they tell us something crucial about our needs and the environment.

Secondary Emotions

• These are the reactions to our primary emotions–often our attempts to cope or defend.
• They can mask the underlying primary emotion and may be less helpful.
• They’re often learned or protective responses shaped by experience
• Examples:
  • A teen feeling hurt and rejected by friends (primary emotion: sadness) might lash out in anger or withdraw (secondary emotion: anger) because the sadness feels too vulnerable or confusing.
  • An adult feeling mortified and like an imposter about a work mistake (primary emotion: shame) might become excessively anxious, perfectionistic, or angry (secondary emotions: anxiety/anger ) towards themselves or their team to avoid facing their shame.

The goal with EFT is to move past these secondary, defensive emotions so we can access the primary, more authentic ones.

Why? 

Because the primary emotions hold the key to understanding our true needs and facilitating genuine change.

Why “Sitting With Emotions” Matters

Emotions are powerful messengers, not random inconveniences.

They carry vital information about our needs, values, and what truly matters to us:

• Sadness signals a need for comfort and connection
• Anger points to a crossed boundary or a sense of injustice
• Fear alerts us to potential danger and the need for safety
• Joy tells us that our needs are being met

By noticing and exploring these emotions when they happen, both in daily life and in therapy, we gain invaluable insights into ourselves. 

Emotions communicate with others too.

Our facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice convey volumes without a single word. Learning to tune into these signals helps us better understand and communicate with ourselves and others.

Emotions are embodied experiences.

Emotions are not just confined to our minds; they are deeply embodied. As Bessel van der Kolk powerfully explains in The Body Keeps the Score, trauma and overwhelming experiences are often stored in our bodies, not just our memories.

This means our bodies may react to echoes of past events before our mind even registers what’s happening.

These bodily sensations, may it be tightness in the chest or churning in the stomach, are crucial entry points for understanding our emotions. “Sitting with emotions” inherently involves noticing and exploring these physical cues.

Your nervous system matters.

Our ability to “sit with” an emotion requires a regulated nervous system.

If we are stuck in a fight, flight, or freeze response, accessing and processing emotions can feel overwhelming or impossible. 

Therapy often involves creating a safe space to help regulate the nervous system, allowing emotional processing to happen without being flooded or shutting down.

It Isn’t Just Talking About Emotions

“Sitting with emotions” isn’t just talking. It’s about experiencing them in the present moment, within the safety of a therapeutic relationship.

This process helps you:

• Identify your emotions
• Access their deeper meaning
• Process them without judgment
• Transform them into insight and growth

For youth and teens, it can build emotional literacy and coping skills that last a lifetime.

For adults, it can help you to break free from old, unhelpful patterns and cultivate a more emotionally-attuned self.

Your emotions are not obstacles.

They are your most reliable compass, guiding you toward:

• Understanding your deepest needs
• Making choices aligned with your values
• Fostering profound healing and resilience

Learning to sit with and explore your emotions helps you better understand your needs and deepen your relationships.

REFERENCES:

• Greenberg, L. S. (2021). Changing emotion with emotion: A practitioner’s guide. American Psychological Association. 
• van der Kolk, B. A. (2015). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Penguin Books.

Mahsima provides virtual therapy in English and Persian (Farsi). She is a first-generation Iranian-Canadian.

• Read Mahsima’s full bio here
• Book online with Mahsima here

📘 Looking for more tools? Check out our other blog posts on coping with job loss, AI and therapy, and finding the right therapist💬 Need to talk? Our team of therapists is here to help you “sit with that”—reach out today to book a free consultation.